


Secrets and Lies

by Butterflyfish



Series: Getting to know Daryl Dixon. [3]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:52:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5424626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterflyfish/pseuds/Butterflyfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone has been keeping a secret from everyone, maybe even themselves. But everything comes out in the wash eventually, no matter who you think you're kidding.</p><p>We catch up with Original Character Abra and Daryl in Alexandria.<br/>In my world we are between the fall of Pete and the making of Rick to leader and the walls falling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He looked at me, eyes narrowed to almost invisibility, face stern and body firm.

"No" he said, deep and thick and quiet, but still powerful enough for me to know that it was his last word on the subject. I reigned myself in before I could roll my eyes. If I'd only ever learned one thing about Daryl Dixon, he hated petulance and childishness. If I rolled my eyes at him I would only be confirming his fears, I was too naive, and too stupid to join him. I sighed and his eyes narrowed impossibly farther than they had already. 

"OK" I said eventually. Fine, I give in. What could I do?

Occasionally we still argued like animals and fell into bed, occasionally we still butted heads like horny rams, it was our way. But now wasn't the time, and I was scared that if his eyes narrowed any further they'd disappear forever. I would stay home and play housewife among these nice enough, but decidedly weird, people in this new town. 

His face was almost surprised at my backing down, he was stewing for a fight, it seemed. 

"Good" he said, sounding as shocked as he had managed to look. 

We were standing in the porch of our new home. I almost shivered. As much as Daryl was coming around to the place and the people, as much as Maggie, Glenn and Michonne appeared to enjoy this place, I didn't like it. It was no longer comfortable to exchange pleasantries with new people and wave at passers by on the street. It was downright weird now. We'd turned into savages, it was like the Lord of The Flies. 

Still, I'd get used to it. I'd have to, Daryl had said. This was home and that was that.

Dr Cloyd passed by and waved, turning to come up the path past the picket fence and the rose bushes on the lawn. She aimed directly for Daryl even though I smiled my warmest smile. I can't say I liked her much. The psychologist turned GP was bumbling and blithering, and had told Daryl and me that our relationship was unhealthy. Daryl had had to steer me away from her before I could even open my mouth to tell her where to go.

Or, to be more honest, to tell her to fuck off and mind her own business.

Beyond all expectations, Daryl had come through in civilization again, it would appear that I was the one who could not return to living in commune.

"Aaron is unwell" the Doctor said to Daryl, "He can't go out today, probably not for the next week" Daryl's brow furrowed tightly and he glanced in my direction. I tried to make my face completely devoid of expression, but I think I probably looked quite smug. 

"What's up with him, will he be OK?" Daryl asked, clearly concerned for Aaron. Not surprising when even the sniffles could bring a person down so quickly now. If this place only had one thing going for it, it was far more hygienic than outside. 

"Oh he'll be fine with some rest, but he can't be away for too long, If he developed a chest infection he could get incredibly sick" Daryl nodded that solitary head dip of confirmation. It looked like I would be going on the scouting mission after all.

 

* * *

 

As I looked over at her she was smilin' this tiny, tight lipped, irritatin' smirk. This was new, she'd not smiled like that before, and I wondered who she'd picked that up from.

Dr Denise trundled on her way and I sighed, this was gonna be a long journey if Abra was gonna be so smug the whole time. I turned to her and held up my hand before she could start Jeerin'

"Aight, looks like it's us two, then" Her smile widened, but I blocked it out. We had work to do, it was no time for arguments.

 

Aaron and I'd come across somethin' interestin' when we was out the last time. New voices, broken and staticy on the listenin' device, and I was pretty sure we were pickin' out some random radio signal. We had to turn back, we din't have the provisions to stay out at the time.  This day we were gonna chase down those sounds, those voices, maybe usin' radios to see if we could pick 'em up better. They sounded distressed, in need of help, and we were definitely the ones to give it 'em.

Rick 'n I'd almost come to logger heads over it. He argued that we had enough to deal with, what with the locals being so naive, but my point was that people from outside would have more experience, and the experience at the Safe Zone was outnumbered right now. He saw sense eventually, but I don't think he was happy about it. I din't care. This is who we were now, this is what we had to do. 

 

Abra was still grinnin' to herself, walkin' beside me into the house. I'd already packed ready to go, and Abra needed nothin' more'n she already had on her. We were able to wear our weapons now, and she wore hers all the time, just like I asked her to a million years ago at the prison.  But we needed to let Rick know the change of plan. We din't always agree, but he was still in charge.

We decided I would drive, and I warned her again we'd be gone some time, having traveled so far now, and these people needed our help. 

"S'alright, We'll be together. What ever happens it's us against them, Daryl" It always lit some dark place within me when she said my name. Some cold, Icy, place within me glowed warm as embers. She turned to me. "I trust your instincts"  The fire grew. If I wasn't careful I was gonna blush like a li'l girl. 

"C'mon, stop." I managed "We got work to do"

* * *

 I liked making him fluster. I felt like I had some kind of power over him, this ability that only I had to make him blush and act coy.  Not that I wanted power over him, not really, but it was a good feeling. Like I had worked my way in through his course hard exterior.

But I stopped, as he asked, and I didn't go on about it any more, I didn't get a chance to.

* * *

We drove a long way, at least an hour on empty roads, and quickly too. We didn't speak much, both full of anticipation for the days ahead, Daryl had explained what they had come across on their last outing, and it was exciting, this prospect of finding new people. I remembered the feeling of being brought to the safety of the prison. Scared, at first, overwhelmed and under socialised, but it felt good in the end, it felt good to have familiar faces and walls. 

I wondered briefly why Alexandria didn't make me feel that way, but It took a while at the Prison, and now we'd been through more. Through the worst you can imagine. It would never come easily to make new friends, to trust. Never again. 

I watched the sky through the windshield. A dull and vast expanse of grey which stretched as far as I could see, peeking through the trees either side of us, and curling misty swirls of grey rain in the distance. A damp and dreary day on the road with Daryl, who didn't even want me there in the first place. This should be fun. 

Daryl reached across me and popped the glove compartment, pulling out the radios we had brought with us. 

"Ain't too far, we first heard 'em" he said in his quiet voice. "Need to turn these on, see if we can pick 'em up." 

I took one from him and turned it on as Daryl guided us into a multi story car park. I had been so busy contemplating the sky I hadn't seen the town we had entered. We twirled up the ramps as I fiddled with the radio, and when we got to the top, we heard something. 

Daryl slammed on the bakes, and we both stared silently at the device in my hand.

"Hello?" it crackled, static cutting the end off the word "Can... hear? We're.... and......it's....." The voices were broken by static, but there were definitely voices. 

Daryl snatched the Radio from me and dived out through the driver's door, marching around on top of the car park, almost yelling into the walkie. 

"Hey, Hey!? Hello!" but nothing, we'd lost the signal. 

After a moment's contemplation he got back in the car, threw it in drive and stormed us out of the multi story. He'd seen a bigger, taller, building, he explained, and we were going to get on top of it.

It might mean walkers, it might mean people. I automatically checked my armory was where it should be. Piece by piece. Hunting knife right hip, Machete hanging down left leg, gun left hip.

I noticed Daryl did the same. Knife, gun, Crossbow. all where he expected, and I wondered who had learned this little habit from who.  

 

 

 

 

  


	2. Chapter 2

It was an office block, Thousands of rooms, seven storeys high. I looked at Daryl, and he gave me his solitary shallow head dip, he was ready.

I wasn't sure I was. 

"Straight up" he said, reading the worry on my face. "I can see stairs, we'll just dash straight up." But it wasn't getting up I was worried about, it was getting back down. I nodded back at him, ready as I'd ever be, and he shouldered the door open with a grunt. I watched his winged leather vest disappear into the relative darkness and waited. This was protocol, I waited until he said it was ok to follow.

"Abs" He whispered from the dimness inside. I entered, eyes everywhere, looking for danger and Daryl at the same time. It was a large lobby, and once would have been filled with light and air, but now seemed stuffy and dark from the grime on the windows. I shuddered at how much cooler it was inside. "Watch ya back" he said from my right, and I turned to see a walker approaching in a lopsided shuffle. I waited, breath held, until it got close enough and I stabbed it in the forehead. It sank to the floor and kicked up dust as it did so, making me cough.

"shhhh" Daryl hissed as I hacked into my hand, the dust seeming to fill my lungs like smoke. I eyeballed him, as he was now close enough for me to see, but he ignored the gesture and moved on. 

We'd done this so many times, I wondered if it would look choreographed from the outside. A dance, a ballet. Daryl moved around the edge of my sight, close enough for me to just see, far enough so that all bases were covered. He opened doors, skirted the edges of rooms and I moved through the middle once he had deemed all was safe enough. 

No words were spoken once we were inside, and amidst the odd and thankfully rare stumbles into unseen obstacles, you wouldn't know we were even there. 

He always said I moved like a dancer, 'legs up to here' he'd growl proudly, in the dark of our room at night, lightly running a rough hand up between my thighs. 

A warmth threatened to spread in my lower abdomen and I pushed the thoughts away. We were on the stairs now, Daryl taking two at a time while I stalked up behind him, following the dim glow of those white angel wings, his delightfully broad shoulders leading me into who knew what. 

But he was right. We stuck to the stairs and didn't venture in through any doors, and found ourselves out in the open air again. 

I took a deep breath, the air like silk in my throat after so much dust, and I threw a smile Daryl's way. 

* * *

She smiled at me, wide, cheeky, and I wondered what thoughts had been runnin' through her mind in the dark. 

"Is it different" she asked, quietly "having me rather than Aaron with you?" The question surprised me, but I shrugged it off. 

"Kinda. Aaron talks. A lot." I turned away and surveyed the scene before us, the view, and she approached, wrappin' her arms around me from behind. "You" I said, turnin' my face toward her "you understand the silence, you feel the urgency" I turned in the circle of her arms and kissed her neck "and Aaron doesn't let me do this" I breathed, bringin' my hand up into her hair as I did so. 

I felt the shiver down her spine, and kissed again as goosebumps prickled her flesh. I knew the thoughts that ran through her mind, I could read her goose pimples like fuckin' Braille. 

I was about to play out her filthy little fantasy when the radio on her belt crackled static, and drew me back to the task at hand. I whipped the Walkie away from her, and ran to the edge of the building.

"Hello" A girl's voice, young "Hello?" Static follows. I shook the radio, twiddled the knobs, but nothing but static. It was then that Abra took the radio from me with a huff, and a roll of her eyes.

* * *

 He was making a hash of it. Too excited to know what he was doing. I twiddled the knob back to the correct channel and tried again.

"Hello?" I asked, walking the perimeter of the roof slowly, squinting my eyes as though I could hear through the static better that way.

Crackle, crackle, crackle like dry paper on an open fire.

Hiss, hiss, hiss, like a pissed off snake. Dammit. She was gone.

"For God's sake Daryl, why did you fiddle?" I Berated him, but he was as angry with himself as I was. "Maybe they can only get through in fits and starts" I mused. "We should wait a while" I looked at my feet and then back up at him, under my lashes. I'd noticed that changed something in him, and sent him a bit weak at the knees. We had some time to kill. 

"You look at me so fuckin' coy, but don't think I don't know what ya up to" he said quietly, approaching me slowly. I made my eyes wide.

"If anything it's you who's ruined my innocence, Dixon." I smiled. "You've ruined me" he smiled back, barely able to contain himself.

"I dunno 'bout ruinin' you, but keep this innocence shit up I'mma come over there and destroy you" I raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? Destroy me, huh? I'd like to see that." I leaned towards him and finished in a whisper "close up"

His face changed, and he grabbed me below the shoulders with both hands, pushing his face, his lips, against mine. The course bush of his facial hair scratching and digging at my skin as his tongue raked against mine. He held my arms tight and I could barely move anything but my mouth, and I tried my best to show him how in to it I was by matching his mouth, move for move. 

I edged up on my tiptoes, pushing my mouth more forcefully against his, and he finally let my arms go, instantly I threw my arms around his neck, and he caught me with out hesitation as I jumped and wrapped my legs around his waist.

Since Alexandria we hadn't had sex outside, and the thrill was making me dizzy. Hell, we hadn't had sex out of a bed in a while, doing it out of doors felt more like us again. 

* * *

 

The sex weren't rushed, not really, but it was rougher than it had been fer a while. She pulled my hair n nipped my skin, I'm pretty sure I tasted blood on my lip when she bit me, pulling away from our entangled mouths for air. I did my fair share of bitin', too, n I left my mark low on her neck, close to the shoulder. I din't mean to, I got carried away. She was gonna kill me when she saw, but I din't care, certainly not then. 

Up on that roof, in the bright sunshine of a warm spring day, we fucked just like we used to in the beginnin'. It was like comin' home, but somethin' about it felt almost final. Like things would never be the same again after that moment. 

I was probly bein' stupid, lost in my own head n' lost in her, too. 

* * *

 

It did feel different. I put it down to  being lost in the moment, and having not had such impulsive sex for a while.

I pushed the thoughts away as Daryl hoisted me into his lap, and entered me again with a grunt. An involuntary noise escaped me, too, as a feeling of fullness spread through my body. I pulled him up into a sitting position in my arms and buried my face in his neck as I rode him.

We had practically exhausted each other, the sun now riding high in the sky above us, almost inthe turn toward the horizon, when the radio crackled with static again. 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello?"

It was the clearest she'd been so far. I grabbed the radio and almost yelled into it.

"Hey. Who is this?" Abra was starin' intently at me, and I could see she was willin' me not to yell. "Who's there?" I asked again. 

"Hello?" I rolled my eyes. Could she hear me? I went to put the radio down, wonderin' where else we could go for a clearer signal. Just as I did she spoke again through a wave of hissing.

"we're lost, n, n I don't know if we're gonna survive much longer." We, so more'n one of 'em. We'd need to know how many before we went to pick them up, and the back of my mind reminded me that this could be an ambush of sorts.

"We're near the river. The... Erm" she was soundin' pretty desperate, and I din't want to think a kid was gonna try and get one over on us. "Rap- pa- hann- oock" she said extremely carefully. I looked at Abra, and she already had a map out, folded out flat in front of her. She pointed at the river. 

"Ok, that's fine we're near there. Are you on the Falmouth side?" I waited patiently for an answer, but when none came I got frustrated. Abra picked up the map and pointed out the river. The fucker was pretty long, but the kid can't have been far.

"we don't know" the radio cackled "it's just me, n my friend. She's pregnant and we need to get somewhere else." I stared at the radio a moment. The thought of Lori suddenly hitting me like a kick to the groin. 

"We have a doctor, your friend will be fine. C'n ya get somewhere safe?" 

"I think so. Are you gonna get us? Who are you, how will we know it's you?"

"My name is Daryl, we're gonna get ya ta safety, don't worry"

"Daryl?" She stuttered, "Daryl Dixon?" Stunned I stared at the walkie, then anger coursed through me and I assumed we'd been tricked. Abra was staring at me concerned, but I couldn't help but shout

"How'd ya know my name? Who the hell is this?"

* * *

"Daddy?" Despite the crackle and the static, the pain in her voice was very clear, echoed, mirrored, on Daryl's face.m, which had contorted itself into something similar to when Carol had found us at Terminus. He almost dropped the radio and he reeled as though he might topple over.

I'd never seen him lose so much composure in this way before. It was scary. In shock myself, I took the walkie from him, lest she think we'd run out on her.

"Honey, you get to somewhere safe. We're going to find you as soon as we can" I said, my voice sounding far away and flat to my own ears.

Daryl's eyes met mine and for the first time since I'd known him they were wide and stunned. 

"You can tell me all about it on the way" I said to him, hefting up my pack and grabbing his arm to get him moving back to the car.

Everything running through my head was a jumble. A daughter? I wracked my brain to find a single instance where she'd been mentioned and came up blank.  
"Your philosophy makes sense now" I tried with him as we came back into the cold, dark lobby of the building. "You can't get upset about a past you ignore, I guess" I looked at him across the roof of the car as we approached it. "sure you're OK to drive?" He grunted and got in the driver's side, his answer quite clear.

 "I didn't ignore it" he said, bitterly, after scouring over the map and tossing it at me as though he was angry with me. "I looked for her, at first, but I was with Merle n Merle din't know" I sat and listened, knowing better than to butt in. "Was a one night stand gone awry, I ain't got no secret wife out there wwaitin'" as if that made it ok. 

"Just a secret daughter?" I snapped, then instantly regretted. Daryl looked over at me, clearly still shell shocked.

"I'm sorry. I thought... I dunno what I thought" he sighed, a deep and heavy sigh, before running the car up and taking us on our way.  
"Her name's Alyson, and she'd be about 15 now." I shook my head, not wanting to talk to him. How could he keep this from me? A child! I thought I knew him so well. He sighed again, a forlorn sound brought up from so deep within him. This wasn't the Daryl I was used to. 

He drove fast, careless, too eager to get to his girl, more so than caring for his own safety, my safety.  
I kept stealing sideways glances at him, thinking I was being discreet, but his observant side was still working, even if his driving skills had gone down the pan

"Stop it" he said after a few miles. I didn't answer. For once I was the one lost for words.

"Does anyone know?" I asked eventually. He looked at me, then at the road, and shook his head slowly.

  
"Naw. Ain't told no one" that made me feel better, at least I wasn't the only one in the dark.

But I didn't have time to be angry. Alyson was in danger, and regardless of who she was, another human in danger couldn't be left.

* * *

 I sped through the late afternoon, mist beginning to rise around us again, despite burnin' off that Mornin'. I din't know what we was gonna find at the end of this particular journey.

I never thought I'd find her. Shit,  I tried n failed n put her outta my head for the most part. So no, I never told no one bout her, if no one knew then I wouldn't have to talk about it, if I din't talk bout her I'd think bout her less.

I had no idea findin' her was gonna be somethin that'd bite me in the ass.  
We drove on, silence ringin through the car, atmosphere thick and heavy on us both, Abra throwing me sideways looks, her brow furrowed, her face unsure. She felt she dint know me now, n I wan'ed to tell her she did, better'n anyone, but how to explain? I'd already tried, she din't understand.

She looked at me sideways, again, despite me askin her to stop.

"What?" I asked, louder than I meant to. She jumped a bit, but just shrugged at me, facin' front again.

She chewed on the inside of her lip, looked at her nails, rubbed dust off'a her arms. But she would not look at me again, and she din't seem to wanna talk. So I drove in silence for a few miles, until the atmosphere got too heavy, and I had to stop the car before I suffocated. 

I looked at Abra, who still stared silently out the windshield, like I hadn't just slammed on the anchors n thrown her forward in her seat. 

"At the beginning, well, not long after the beginning, we were at that quarry, n Rick arrived out of nowhere." She looked on out that damned window, but I could see she was listenin' "and he ran to Lori n Carl, and they had their little reunion." I rubbed my mouth with my hand, tears threatening. My voice cracked, and Abra finally looked at me again. "That tore me clear in two. Here was this guy who had been _dead_ , at least we were convinced of it, and he still managed to find his wife n his kid." I hit the steering wheel. "He was everything I weren't. This goddamned hero who came back from the dead, n not only was he not one of those geeks he also managed to find his goddamned family" I brought the heel of my hand into my eye and scrubbed hard at the water there. Betrayed by my own emotions. Abra was watching me in silence, her expression unreadable. 

"I was different then. I din't know how to handle the grief, I din't understand that if I talked it out it could at least feel better.  Kept it all locked up n it would burst outta me at odd n unexpected times." She huffed, a harsh and sarcastic 'Ha', which made me grit my teeth and slap the steering wheel again. She rolled her eyes at me, n if I had been a different kinda man I'd'a wiped the look she was giving me right offa her face.

But I weren't that guy, n I let her look at me all she damn well wan'ed. I couldn't go back and change this now, and my daughter needed my help.

"What do you want me to do?" I whispered, pleadin' with her to try, _just try_ , to understand me. "I can't change it, I ain't gonna leave 'er sufferin'"

* * *

I watched him, his dark blue eyes hidden by that damned fringe of his, still wide, and wondering. Still in shock, he was pleading with me, his eyes looking straight into my soul.

How could I deny him his daughter? Regardless of what he had or hadn't said to me. It hit me that this was why he never gave up on Sofia, why Judith meant so much

"C'mon" I said, reaching out and touching his hair, smiling sadly "She needs us"

Us. because like it or not, we were in this together, and if Daryl wanted to be there for her, so did I.


	4. Chapter 4

When we reached the river it was pitch black outside. The air in the car was better, lighter, but we had barely spoken. Daryl too focussed on finding Alyson, me I'm ashamed to say, still focussing on how he withheld the information from me.

Not that I could talk.  
  
"Now what?" I asked him as he examined the map again. Without answering he took one of the walkies, but I put my hand on his arm. "No" I said, hoping I sounded as firm as I felt. "Daryl, it's so dark, and so foggy. We'd never find them" he scowled at me. Of course I knew he was suddenly desperate to find her, but putting himself at risk was stupid.  
"I know you need to get to her, but think about it. How much help are we going to be dead?" His face didn't change, but he leaned forward and spoke very gently.

"She's my kid. I wouldn't expect ya to understand, not being a parent n all" I narrowed my eyes, that stung, more than I thought words could. Even words from an unthinking Daryl.

"Neither were you until this afternoon!" I burst, "look, She managed this far without you, one more night isn't going to hurt." He rubbed his mouth, barely looking at me. I felt like I couldn't get in to his head like I could this morning. Like I'd lost some part of him, of us.

"A'ight," he said, barely looking at me. "You stay here and I'll go." I rolled my eyes at him, and watched his face turn sour. There it was, that cardinal sin.

"I get it, but you have to look at the bigger picture!"

"Keep ya damn voice down" he whispered harshly. "I am lookin' at the big picture. We have a chance to get my daughter back to safety, and ya denyin' me the opportunity to do what I couldn't do all those years ago." I sighed and looked at him.

"Daryl, think for just a second about what you're saying. It is dark. There are walkers. The girls could be anywhere out there. One of them is pregnant." With each short sentence I could feel myself getting irate. I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair. "Just one night, as soon as its light we'll go." I sighed "I want to spend a night in the car with you about as much as you want to stay, but we have to." He sat back in the driver's seat.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, sounding hurt.

"Nothing, we'll have time to talk this out later, right now we need sleep and to find those girls tomorrow."

"Talk what out?" His voice was quiet, contrasting against mine raised and angry. I couldn't help myself, I still felt betrayed. But I couldn't tell him now. It really wasn't the time.

"Don't worry about that. We just need to get some rest"

"We'd'a been here hours ago if I hadn't listened to you, let ya fuckin' talk me in to screwin' ya on that roof top" I forced myself not to smack him across the face. There was enough violence in the world now without me beating on him because he was hurt and taking it out on me.

"We didn't know it was your daughter then" I said evenly. "You're the one who left her, don't you dare blame this on me." I regretted the words almost as soon as they tumbled from my lips, but I couldn't put them back. Daryl looked at me steadily and tried another angle.

"What if it was Ben?" I felt myself get hot in the face

"Ben had nothing to do with this, I shot Ben myself" he shrugged.

"But it's that 'if' Abra. What if it was Ben, you thought he died, but he came back" He always used my dead twin against me, as his argument for everything he wanted to do that I disagreed with.

"So what if it was Ben? Ben wasn't my secret child".  I growled low and deep and fisted both my hands in my hair, exasperated. "Look, we're not getting anywhere like this." I put my hands in my lap and counted to ten. When I looked up he appeared as exhausted as I felt. He nodded once, his version of a truce.

"Ok, let's get some rest" he said quietly. By giving in to my demands he was apologising. Sometimes hearing the words would have been nice. Sometimes hearing the words could feel more real. But Daryl didn't have the words right now, no matter how much I needed them.  
I nodded, then leaned against the door of the car, curling my feet beneath me. I had barely closed my eyes when he said  
"Hey. C'mon. It's cold." I opened my eyes and he was leaning back, arms wide, welcoming me into him and the warmth our bodies could make together. I looked at his face, expecting his filthy little smirk, but it wasn't there. I sighed heavily and was about to shake my head, no, but he spoke again. "I need you now more'n ever, Abs. More'n when the prison went down, more'n when Rick lost his mind." As far as I was concerned Rick still wasn't himself, but I crawled forward and sat snuggled up against Daryl's back. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close and tight.  
I played a few sentences around in my head. Toying with how to tell him my own secret. Tears threatened and I shooed them away. After much thought I said

"I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at everything. The situation we're in now was unexpected. I guess I'm sad and jealous." I felt Daryl stir beneath me, felt his head turn towards my voice.

"Jealous?" He laughed "I don't think noone's  been jealous a me before"

"I'm serious Daryl." I sighed and could feel the question in his head throughout his whole body. "I can't have children." I whispered. With the words out in the open the silence that followed felt cold and empty. I rushed to fill the void. "I thought when the world went to shit, it didn't matter. But now... We have a safe community to live in, I have you, and you spring your own kid on me, and... I can't give you that. I can't compete with that."

* * *

 

What d'ya say to a woman who can't do the one thing females were designed to do? What words're there to comfort the one ya love when she tells ya she wants to give ya a child, and she can't?  
Ya don't say nothin' . Nothin'll make it better. Ya just hold her tight while she falls slowly to sleep in ya arms.  
Me? I barely slept a wink. With Alyson out there somewhere and Abra's unexpected news my mind was in turmoil.

So I was wide awake when the radio hissed and crackled at about 3am

"Daddy?" Barely a whisper "are you there?" I gently took the radio and answered her.

"I'm here baby girl" I said quietly "we're by the river but we're gettin' some rest, I think you should too. We're gonna come get ya in the light"

"Is it really you?" She asked, breakin' my heart. I felt the smile spread on my face all the same

"Yeah, it's me"

"How do I know?" I chuckled to myself

"You gotta birthmark on ya butt, looks like a fish" she chuckled very quietly back.

"My butt got bigger, don't look like a fish no more" she sighed "hope I see you tomorrow."

"You will baby girl. I gotta get some sleep, so should you"  
She didn't answer again n finally I drifted off into a broken sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

I swam slowly to wakefulness as the sun rose and shone through the passenger window. I blinked, yawned, tried to stretch in the small space, but Daryl held me tightly, and my lungs couldn't seem to get enough air.

"You awake?" I asked him, my voice thick and croaky.he grunted a reply, so I assumed no. I peeled his arms from me, scrabbled to my pack and took a long drink of water. It was cold and felt delightful.

"Last night" he said behind me, his voice unchanged by sleep, soft and rough all at once, quiet and low "You ever wanna talk 'bout it, ya know I'm here." I smiled gratefully at him, and nodded. It was true he didn't often have words to articulate what he meant, but my god, his heart was in the right place. He held his hand out for the water bottle and I handed it over, he drank long and slow, emptying the bottle. I yawned again and shivered as he reached for the radio 

"Hey. You there?" He asked, and anticipation settled over us, I made an effort to keep my eyes and wits about me, looking for danger as Daryl tried to find out where the two girls were.

"Yeah, we're here"

"Ok, you need to let me know what's around you, do you know the name of the town you're in, can you describe the area, anything"  
A walker stumbled around in front of the car, it appeared to be alone, and paid us no mind. Daryl saw it too, and kept his voice very low and quiet. My fingers itched to grab my knife and kill the asshole, I guess I was still harbouring some anger. I sat and ignored the ache in my fingers, as the girl on the radio described a building with broken windows which was opposite where they were hiding.

They could have been anywhere, and I was getting frustrated, but Daryl was surprisingly calm and cool.

"How tall is it, count the Windows" he said quietly. He still had the map in front of him, and he searched it over and over. I grabbed the binoculars from my pack and looked out at the buildings we could see where we sat.

"Five storeys," the radio crackled "and the building to the left is a library, and to the right is a general store. We were getting food from there but it's not safe. There are dead ones everywhere." I thought about Daryl's story, about how they were convinced Rick was dead, and how Daryl convinced himself Alyson was too. The girl had no idea how right she was. He asked her about what she could see from where she was and I listened intently, searching for clues through the goggles.

"There's dead ones out there now. Four or five. They're all jumbled up I can't tell. Oh my god, one's got no arms, and another one has a big hat on his head." I lowered the binoculars and gave them to Daryl, pointing between buildings in the distance. He raised them to his face as I asked:

"What kind of hat?" She barely finished saying 'cowboy' when Daryl threw the car into gear and stormed us in the direction of the big building, with several broken windows, and the cowboy walker in the ten gallon hat. By some force of fate, we had stopped just hundreds of yards away from the girl he had struggled to find. _ ___

* * *

There were more'n four or five walkers. The more we killed the more they kept comin outta the damn buildin's, brought on by the noise of their kin, the smell of us.

Catchin' my breath in a moment's respite I watched Abra slay two effortlessly. Her machete in one hand, the hunter's knife in the other, movin' like a dancer, fightin' like a fuckin' ninja. I tried to pinpoint the moment she got so good at this. When the machete became an extension of her arm rather than an awkward and heavy burden. I couldn't. Last I remember seein she was breathless n strugglin'  
There were still more walkers comin and I couldn't dwell. We had to get to safety. The girls shoulda been in the buildin' behind us, but to go in n risk bein' seen, or worse, followed by the assholes, wasn't one I was willin to take.

* * *

 

I looked over, felling another damn walker bastard on my own.

"Daryl!" I yelled, "you wanna take a picture or..." I heard the walker beside me just in time, dodged it's reaching rotten fingers and stabbed it in the back of the head. "C'mon!" I urged him. We didn't have time for that shit. He snapped to and approached me swiftly

"The fuck happened to formation?" I asked as he stood with his back to mine. He turned his face toward me

"Got caught up in a moment." There was a smile in his voice, but it had to be ignored as a bunch of assholes stumbled out the general store. He cursed under his breath and brought his crossbow up fast. 

He needn't have bothered. 

Behind us the quiet creak of a rusty hinge and a hurried 'Pssst' had us both turning our heads at once. 

"If she's 15, I'll eat my own arm" I whispered staring at the 20something woman before us. She had short blonde hair and brown eyes, but something was off. Mostly in shadow I couldn't tell what it was exactly. 

"That's not Alyson" Daryl whispered back. 

"Quick before they see you" the woman hissed, beckoning us in to the building. We followed without a word and she secured the door behind us. 

"You must be Daryl" she smiled. He nodded at her

"this is Abra. Where's Alyson?" He still had his crossbow up, his voice threatening, and though she looked worried the woman didn't pull out her own weapon. I tried to be more friendly, but trust didn't come easy. 

"You don't look very far along" I looked her up and down "you sure you're pregnant? Sometimes malnutrition, stress,  
can cause all sorts of hormonal hiccups" she smiled, then laughed. 

"Oh, no no, I think you misunderstood. It was me you were talking to yesterday, when Alyson heard your voice she snatched the radio and got all excited. She's in here. I'm Moira " the girl walked away, expecting us to follow. Daryl looked at me, worry clear though his face was in shadow. For me the penny dropped the moment I saw Moira. Daryl clearly needed to see it for himself. 

"Oh Fucking Jesus" I put my hand to my mouth and considered holding Daryl back with the other. We'd come to a small room at the back of the building and Alyson was sat on a chair.

My first guess was she was maybe 8 months gone. She looked up through her lank hair at us, and the most beautiful smile spread on her thin and sunken face 

"Daddy!" She tried to stand and Moira was by her side in a second, helping her. 

"Take it easy Al" Moira whispered. Daryl all but threw his crossbow on the floor and rushed to Alyson's other side. She was his double, his younger, pregnant, and disgustingly sickly double.  
She threw her arms around Daryl's neck, as much for stability as for excitement.

After a moment she pulled back and slapped him hard across the face. 

"Where the hell were ya?" She drawled, thick fat tears rolling down her cheeks. She punched his arm with the force of a newborn and hitched her breath in sobs. Daryl took it in his stride, but Moira was in a flap. Trying to get Alyson to sit down and calm down. 'The baby' she kept saying.

  
As things began to calm down Daryl explained how he tried to find her, and Alyson explained where she'd been and what had happened these last few years. 

"And the baby?" Daryl asked eventually. "You're 15!" I put my hand on his arm, and as he looked at me I shook my head. 

"We were with a group, there were maybe 17 of us" Alyson looked at Moira for confirmation, and she nodded. "N we got in to this warehouse, n there was alcohol and food and, we kinda had a party." She looked at the floor. "I dunno what we were celebratin' bein' alive maybe." She looked up again and her eyes were sad. "One of the boys got so drunk, and I was just sittin' with him, talkin' to him as everyone fell asleep." She shrugged "I don't remember everythin' but he took advantage of the situation" Daryl stiffened beside me and I glanced in his direction. His face was like thunder, jaw set tight. 

"We have a safe place" I said. "We have walls, Provisions, people. A  
Doctor" I looked at Alyson "have you been really poorly since you fell pregnant?" She shrugged, but it was Moira who spoke

"Alyson had been sick for about a year and a half. The pregnancy ain't helping things, cause she couldn't eat at first and now we have no food _to_ eat." I nodded. 

"Ok. If you're willing to come with us, we can help you both" Daryl looked at me then

"Ain't no question of willin', she's comin' whether she likes it or not" I shook my head at him 

"Daryl she's not the little girl you had before the shit hit, ok? She's been through enough to know how to make her own decisions"

"We'll come" Moira said, standing "we'll come, she needs a doctor. The baby's due any day. "


	6. Chapter 6

We began the drive back to Alexandria in relative silence. We used a rear exit on the building the girls were in and came across no trouble getting back to where Daryl had abandoned the car. The reunion hadn't felt long, but the light was just beginning to fade out of the day.

I looked at the girls behind me, snuggled together and sleeping, probably feeling the safest they had in some time. Daryl was glaring through the windshield, his face firm and still set like stone.

"She's more than just pregnant" I said, reaching for his hand. 

"I know" he replied solemnly.

"Moira says she doesn't eat" he nodded

"I know" he said again. I sighed, a deep and heavy breath. 

"Maybe once we know what's going on Glenn and the guys can go and find what we need" I squeezed his hand, but he didn't squeeze back. 

"Yeah, maybe" he pulled his hand away and rubbed his mouth with it. I decided not to say anything more. I had a feeling I knew what was going on, though I wanted to talk to Moira alone. It would be difficult, so attached to Alyson as she was, but there were things we'd need to know that a 15 year old patient would probably be too embarrassed to share. Silence settled over us again, and this time, I let it.

* * *

 

It was cancer.  
I couldn't say the words out loud, I could barely think it, but I knew it, all the same. The sunken eyes, hollow cheeks. The grey tone of her skin. If I din't know better, I'd'a thought she was a walker.

We asked the questions at Abra's insistence. The answers were what I expected. Countless walkers, no people, because they managed to survive by runnin' from their old group. The group that allowed my 15 year old kid to get raped. 

Yes, she was the result of a drunken one night stand, yes she did happen to be an accident, but I went to her every weekend for years, and once a week now n then to bath her and put her to bed. I weren't gonna be the perfect dad by not bein' there, but I could do my best from afar. I din't give her mom much money, shit I was too busy being a petty criminal half the time to get an actual job, but I made sure I was there as much as I could be.

No one was gonna think of me the way I thought of my poor excuse for a daddy. 

She was always my baby girl, and whatever was eatin' her up inside din't matter, Denise may not be able to fix it, but we were together and that was what mattered more'n anythin' now. 

I'd managed to keep the guilt at bay all this time, but when I saw her, sittin' in that chair lookin' half dead, it all came crashing into me, I felt like I'd been hit by a 16 wheeler. What I still couldn't grasp was that I could now lose her all over again.

* * *

 

Rick's watches were already in place. That night Abraham was on the gate, Rosita on the platform above the wall. They let us in, Abraham moving the gate as if it weighed nothing. As we parked and got out of the car I heard him breathe 

"What in Jesus shit Christ?" His exclamations always made me smile, but not tonight. 

"Long story, for now the girls need rest" I looked at Daryl, who had Alyson in his arms bridal style, "show them our room. We'll sleep downstairs" he walked off, Alyson no heavier than a sack of sand in his arms, Moira very close behind.

"It's not my story to tell" I said to Abraham as Rosita joined us. "But the girl in Daryl's arms is 15, pregnant, and possibly very sick" they looked at each other, and then at me. I could only shrug at them.

"I'm sure you'll hear all about it." I finished "but I gotta check everyone's settled in" I walked to the house, leaving them in stunned silence behind us.

  
Rick and Michonne were up, I thought maybe this would cause a problem, it was early, but in those times we moved with the sun, rising and sleeping as it did. They were both staring at the girl in Daryl's arms and the woman beside him. Rick appeared tense, on defence, Michonne a little more relaxed. I had no idea what had already been said, not much in the short time they'd been here. 

"They can't stay here, we don't know who they are. Put 'em in a holding cell." If Daryl didn't have Alyson in his arms I imagine he would have thrown Rick against the wall. He was bigger and stronger than Rick, and a damn sight more angry. But he did have Alyson, and when he spoke he was quiet and calm. 

"Rick." He said, and got his attention pretty quickly with the solemnity of his tone "This is Alyson, she is 15, she is pregnant, she's really very sick, and she's my kid." Michonne's eyes and mouth widened and filled her face, but Rick's stance and tone didn't change 

"we don't know them." I rolled my eyes and stepped between the two men. 

"Rick, we have their weapons, the girls are harmless. Let's get them to bed, we can even lock the door, please" I touched his arm and it was vibrating with strain. "Rick." I tried, until he finally tore his eyes away from Daryl's. "They're just kids, and Alyson is Daryl's daughter. You wouldn't turn Carl or Judith or Sophia away." He put his hand to his head and looked away to the side 

"He never mentioned a kid. He mention a kid to you?" He asked me. He looked at Michonne "to you?" She shook her head slowly

"He didn't, but how often do we talk about those we've lost? We'll lock them in. We need to see the doctor tomorrow but now they really need to sleep" I pleaded with him with my eyes, stayed calm and didn't raise my voice. It seemed to work and he stepped aside. 

"We'll keep a watch on that door, just in case" I nodded 

"Of course" though it was a ridiculous demand. They were young and unfit, hell one of them was dying for all we knew. 

We removed their shoes with them and their outer most dirtiest layers.  
Alyson's belly was stretched and straining, her skin a mottled purple all over. I resisted the urge to touch it, instead leaving Daryl and Moira to tuck her up.  
Downstairs Rick waited impatiently, pacing the floor and staring off at nothing. Michonne stood at the edge of the room, still shocked. 

"They're locked in" I said, descending the open stairs. "They can't hurt anyone" 

"They ain't stayin' locked in for the resta their lives" Daryl grunted, walking up to Rick. "You wouldn't do it if it were your kid, you ain't doin' it to mine" Rick stopped pacing.

"How do you have a kid and not tell anyone?" He asked, bemused "How could you even be sure she's your kid?" I had to butt in then 

"When you see her in the light it's pretty obvious." Rick and Daryl both shot me a look, so I went and stood with Michonne around the edges of the conversation. 

"You never said anything" Rick was still hard, cold, but he was reaching out to Daryl like a brother. 'You can tell me anything' stuff. 

"Why don't you talk about Lori, or Shane?" Daryl countered "why don't Carol talk about Sophia?" He rubbed his mouth and lowered his voice "I thought she was dead" he shook his head and waved his hand before him.

"You chased down Merle like a dog, but you left your kid?" Daryl's eyes flared, and it felt like Rick was being purposefully provocative. 

"Rick!" Michonne chimed in, her voice insistent and stunned "stop it. Just stop. She's here now and she needs help, that's what this place is, safe community" Rick smiled a lopsided and humourless grin at her 

"Where have we heard that before?" 

"If this was the prison you wouldn't'a thought twice 'bout helpin' em out" Daryl countered. 

"I didn't know then." Rick said, cryptically "We can't keep letting people in, it's not a fucking free for all" 

"Just for those you want in?" I asked "She's family, her friend is all she's had for 9 months, and she's Daryl's daughter, that makes her family enough for me." I looked at Michonne willing her to agree

"I don't see how a pregnant kid is going to cause much harm" she said. Rick's eyes narrowed. Daryl's did the same, and I expected sparks to fly, but instead Rick gave a single nod and ascended the stairs calling down

"I'll take watch tonight." We watched him go then looked at each other, Daryl angry, Michonne still surprised. I was just tired. It had been a long couple of days and it wasn't about to get any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thank you for reading. 
> 
> This is a prewarning that this story is going to get a bit cruel and a bit horrible from here. 
> 
> There is Cancer, death, both natural and unnatural, there may be a lot of violence and gore and there will definitely be some tears.
> 
> I'm apologising now, but this story needs to be told. You know how it is.  
> Please hang in there, if you can x


	7. Chapter 7

We sat, all four of us, in mine and Daryl's bedroom, staring at Denise who was fumbling more than ever under our eyes.

Daryl was full of expectancy, leaning forward where he stood.  
Moira sat next to Alyson, held her hand and stroked her hair.  I noticed now that Alyson was that mottled purple all over, and when I took her hand she was frozen cold, her breathing was also laboured. I looked at Daryl as we helped her out of bed that morning, he refused to look at me.

Alyson didn't appear to even notice the baited breath in the room.  
I was just sad. Deeply and wholly sad.

"How long have you lived as a woman?" The doctor asked, a nervous vibrato in her voice. I looked at her, completely confused when Moira spoke up.

"A long time" she said quietly. "I can't really remember ever being a boy" Daryl and I looked at each other, and then at Moira. It was what had set her apart when we met, the oddness I couldn't put my finger on now so obvious.  
In the middle of her elegant long neck was an Adam's apple. Not huge, but clearly there. Alyson was not at all shocked by this revelation, she reached across with some difficulty and took Moira's other hand with a smile. It struck me how she was so mature.

"Can we get to the real issue here doc?" Daryl interrupted my thoughts. "Can you deliver a baby? Is there anything we can get for you to make it easier?" The doctor opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before mumbling something we couldn't make out.  
"Say again" Daryl insisted.

"I don't know that that is the pressing issue." she said louder. She looked around at us all. "Can't you see how sick she is? I don't even know if she's going to deliver this baby!" I put my head in my hands, and Daryl was refusing to see what was in front of him.  
"Well it can't damn well stay in there forever" he said bitterly. Denise stood up and approached him  
"Daryl look at your daughter" he looked at the floor "Mr. Dixon look at her!" She pointed at Alyson, who was sitting holding tight to Moira's hands. Moira just looked incredibly angry. Daryl looked over at his little girl, his face contorted.

"Daddy" Alyson whispered, letting Moira go and reaching for him. I stood up, took Moira's hand and beckoned for the Doctor to follow us out of the room. They needed a moment.

Moira cleared her throat and turned to us

"I'm the one she wants to do it" she said, a quiver to her voice "when she's gone, she wants me to make sure. I dunno what to do about the baby, if it survives." She looked at me, then Denise and back again.

"I think we should just take each day as it comes" Denise said, rubbing Moira's upper arm.

Rick, Michonne, everyone was downstairs in silence. A show of support moreover nosiness, everyone was solemn. In seeing her in the light Rick had suddenly changed his mind, no longer insisting the girls were strangers. Carol had been so distraught to learn Daryl had a secret child, but she was supportive, even understanding. Everyone else was just stunned.

No one expected this of Daryl, and certainly no one could understand the cruel hand of fate bringing her back to him with only weeks to live.

Daryl never told me what went on in that room, what was said. When he came out he was a mess, face red and puffy. I wrapped my arm around his as he approached and we stood together like that as the other two went back in the room with Alyson. We didn't speak for a while, just stood together arm in arm. Denise came back out, pushing her glasses up her nose.

"Ok. I need an ultrasound or sonogram machine." She said, sounding the most steady I'd ever heard her. "Ultrasound gel, and I'll write out a list of medications." She looked up at Daryl and took his free hand in both of hers, she didn't say anything, but her eyes welled as she looked at him, squeezing his hand. She looked at me, "it will all be ready in about 20 minutes if you want to swing by on the way out."  
We'd need these things sooner, rather than later, it seemed.

* * *

 

"I'll go" I said as the doc left the house, I turned to Abra and noticed the group of rubber neckers downstairs. "I know where there's a hospital, probably ain't too safe but" She cut me off with a shake of her head

"I think it's best that you stay, Daryl" her voice was soft and sad. "I think you better hang around here the next few weeks" I strained not to scowl at her. I knew what she was sayin', but I couldn't understand the pussyfootin'.

"Survived so long without me, that's what you said, what's one or two more nights gonna hurt?" She pursed her lips at me and narrowed her eyes, but she didn't yell.

"I know I did, but I didn't know, Daryl, none of us did. But if you go out there and come back and she's gone, it'll hurt even more than not finding her in the first place ever could." I closed my eyes and she squeezed my arm. Thing was, I was wishin' I hadn't found her. What if was more desirable right then than what was starin' us all in the face.  
"Come on," she said, and I opened my eyes "you haven't eaten properly for a day or two, let's get some food and I'll get the guys together for a run. Might need directions to the hospital though" We'd been making our way down the stairs, her practically draggin' me by the arm. I stopped and she stopped, lookin' back at me.

"You ain't leavin'" I said, looking her square in the eye so she knew I was in my right mind "we had a pact, you ain't leavin' these walls without me" she dropped my hand and squared up to me so we were face to face.

"This is different." She answered "this isn't like trying to find people, this is a straight forward supply run" but I shook my head

"Ain't nothin' straight forward out there" she took my face in her hands, Cuppin' my chin like she might kiss me.

"Let me do this, Daryl, please." She dropped her hands away "This isn't about going against you, this isn't about power or my need to not conform. This is about me helping you to help her. If you can't go, and you shouldn't go, then I should."

"I don't want you in danger, I don't wanna lose anyone else"

"I'll be out there with the best of them, I'll do everything Glenn says.  
You need to be with her, whether you know it yet or not, you'll thank me for making you stay. I need to do this, for me as much as for you and Alyson" I thought on it for a moment, and stepped down so we were on the same level.

"Why?" She shrugged

"Because I love you. All of you. From your distant past to your unknown future. That includes Alyson and that baby. You want to go and you can't. I should go for you."

When she declared her feelings like that it made me uncomfortable, but I knew what she meant, and I guess I felt the same. I struggled with what to say a moment before clearing my throat

"That's what you call it, not conforming?" She nodded with a small smile, but it didn't reach her big green eyes. "I call it bein' a pain in the ass" she nodded again and turned away, beginning to descend once more

"I know."


	8. Chapter 8

I began to wish I'd stayed behind. Daryl wasn't kidding when he said the hospital wasn't safe.   
I panted heavily, blinking the sting of sweat away, shaking my hair out of my eyes. 

"Ok?" Glenn asked beside me. I nodded

"Yeah, I think so" We hadn't rustled up much help. Aiden was mourning his dad, Glenn refused to run with Nicholas, and Tara had barely recovered from her unconsciousness. With Abraham and Rosita sleeping off the night watch, Rick and Michonne playing policemen, and Maggie throwing up all morning, it didn't leave us with many options. It was just us. 

We stood close together in a janitor's closet, waiting for a walker to get bored of trying to get through the door we had locked from the inside. 

I licked sweat off my top lip, looking across at Glenn. 

"If Daryl knew it was just us, he'd kill me" I whispered. Glenn chuckled. 

"Yeah, he worries about you." It was my turn to laugh. 

"Or, he wants some weird control over what I do" the walker's face appeared at the small slit of a window, making me jump.  
"Ugh, we're gonna be stuck here all day." I exclaimed. Glenn ran his hands through his hair, limp, and bloody from the fight we'd already had. He looked at the walker, neither of us moving, nothing but sweat and water vapour from our breath in the air. The stench of blood upon us.

"He looks like the only one left in this area" Glenn said after a minute. That was a turn up, I'd lost count of how many we'd seen that morning. "I could take him, if you throw the door open and knock him over." I thought about that and shook my head. 

"I don't think I have the energy to push him over." Glenn smiled a little

"Daryl said you might be difficult. You'll have the door for leverage, push him over and shut the door again until I give you the all clear." I frowned at him. 

"Daryl tell you to keep me out of harms way too?" Glenn just looked at me sideways. I rolled my eyes. "Ok. Ok let's go" I said, moving toward the door. 

I put my hand on the lock, waiting for Glenn to give me the nod, as he did I unlocked the door and flung it outward in as swift a motion as I could. The walker flew, like Glenn said he would, and I shut the door again.   
In seconds Glenn's face was at the narrow window beckoning me out. 

"Signs" I whispered, exiting the closet. "Look's like maternity is down here," the arrow pointed left down a dark, thankfully straight corridor.

I tried to ignore the blood splatters on the floor as Glenn led the way, and the walkers throwing themselves at doors as we passed.   
I couldn't ignore the next walker in the corridor though. Even Glenn was perturbed. 

We'd come to the maternity unit clearly marked by a sign on the wall and a pin board full of pictures of smiling parents and babies, thank you letters. We followed the corridor straight past the desk and were faced with a woman, an undead woman, who was clearly heavily pregnant.   
With her dirty blonde hair and sick pallor, her pregnant belly so obvious in her skinny frame, she could have been Alyson.   
The thought brought on a wave of nausea, as Glenn moved forward to put her down, I turned and threw up the Macaroni and powdered cheese we'd had for dinner the night before. The pregnant walker sunk to the floor with a quiet swoosh and I stood, wiping my mouth. Glenn approached me and looked at the mess, saying

"That Mac and cheese don't seem to be agreeing with anyone" I looked at him apologetically "it still looks the same" he said with interest, and I weakly pushed him away. 

"Stop, I'll hurl again" I was leading the way now, looking through doors and windows as I went.

"Abra, slow down" I heard him behind me, so I stopped by the door of a room and turned to him. I may have been rushing, but we needed to get the stuff and get out. ASAP. 

As I watched him, Glenn's face changed, eyes widening and mouth grimacing. In slow motion he launched himself toward me, grabbing me by the shoulder with one hand and opening the door beside me with the other.   
It was then I heard the moans. I just caught a glimpse of about seven walkers as Glenn shoved me in the room ahead of him and slammed the door. He leant against it panting as I looked around the room. 

"Hey" I whispered "this is an ultrasound machine, and there's one of those band things to monitor the baby" I looked at him behind me "reckon we can get out of this window?" I asked, turning away. He didn't answer, just looked around the room, lips slightly parted, eyes a little stunned. "You ok?" I asked him, concerned. He nodded slowly 

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." He stepped away from the door and to the window. We were on the ground level, and the window was large, but so was the equipment we needed. Glenn looked out the window, leaning around as far as he could with his forehead pressed against the glass.   
"We're on the wrong side of the building" he muttered. "The car is behind us" I rubbed my head with the back of my wrist and looked out for myself. There were walkers. I stretched out my back

"This is too hard." I stood up, looking at Glenn. "I can get the car, but then what? We'll never get this stuff out the window!" I gestured to the machines. "We got lucky ending up in the cabinet in the basement" I finished, referring to our first moments here, when walkers had us cornered and we opened a door to find the medicine cabinet, and everything in the list that Dr Cloyd requested.

Glenn thought for a while, all the time walkers banged on the walls from the hall. 

"Go get the car, leave your pack. If you can pull up close enough I can slide in through this window straight to the car." But I shook my head 

"The equipment, Glenn. We can't go back without it, they'll be devastated" he shrugged

"People were having babies for thousands of years before we had machinery to monitor everything." I looked at him, out the window, at the floor. Tears welled up in my eyes and I fought the urge to wipe them away with my bloody, sweaty hands. 

"This is different, this is life or death for both of them" I whispered. "Daryl's counting on me..." But Glenn interrupted

"Daryl would want you back alive, you can't go running stupid risks over this, and if you die he's going to kill me" He smiled "if I think of something while you're getting the car..." He stopped himself. "Maybe I should get the car" 

"No way, I'm faster, and I can out run them, I'll draw them away somehow if I have to" he looked at me steadily, then nodded in agreement 

"Yeah, you're right. You get the car, I'll have a think. And if you think of anything to draw them out you do it." I opened the window the fraction it would go and sat on the ledge "and don't take any stupid risks" he said as I hopped out, gathered my breath, and ran for our lives. 

As I reached the car I noticed the others parked in the lot. I checked behind me, the walkers, a lot of them, were far enough.

In hope, and not knowing if it would work, I ran from one car to another, smashing a window on each with my knife in my fist. I was bleeding, in pain, but every second vehicle started up with a racket of alarm noise. 

With a smile I got in the car Glenn an I had come in. With the walkers so well entertained we managed to smash e window and get the equipment, which consisted of something essentially like a computer and a lot of wires, out of the building and into the car.

I strapped up my knuckles with a torn of piece of my shirt, then we went home to Alexandria. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning of feels. My feels are suffering. Guard yours.***

For six days and five nights life went on as fairly normal. Alyson was doing well, all things considered, though she was bedridden. Daryl remained by her side at my insistence, despite feeling useless. Moira stayed as much as she could with her, but Rick an Deanna requested she emerge herself in Alexandrian life if she was to stay beyond... Well, beyond the inevitable.

Late on the sixth night there was an animalesque groan from upstairs.  
Daryl and I had been talking solemnly on the couch where we'd been sleeping, and our heads shot around to the source of the noise. As we looked, Moira stumbled out of our room and to the top of the stairs. Her face said it all, but still she said

"It's started!" Full of panic, and fear.  
Without a word I launched myself off the couch and out the door. Denise had promised to be on call, and as the swiftest in the group, it was my job to fetch her.

She answered the door on my second round of knocking like a maniac. She seemed rushed, and almost walked right into me as she stepped out the door without a hello. But there was no time for even apologies, as we ran back to the house.  
We had already discussed every eventuality. Every thing from drugs to dramatic what ifs. We all knew the likely way this would go. We'd all made what peace we could with it.

Daryl was holding Alyson's hand and Moira was mopping her brow as we walked in.

"How's it going?" Denise asked, washing her hands with an ancient bottle of alcohol rub that Glenn and I had grabbed on a whim at the hospital.

"Contractions still about four minutes apart and pain is at about a 7" Moira said without hesitation. We all knew time was of the essence, and we'd run through this until we moved like a well oiled machine.  
There were to be minor drugs when Alyson decided she wanted them. Nothing too heavy, Denise wasn't properly trained.

* * *

 

I watched helpless as a kitten as my daughter writhed in pain n yelled deep n heavy with her chin on her chest.

Time stood still n flew, all at once. One minute she was doin' so well, takin' it all in her stride, then all of a sudden the room went deathly quiet. The contractions had stopped and Alyson's breathin' was loud n difficult.

"What's happenin'" I asked, but no one said nothin' they were movin' around like they'd done this a hundred times and I stood there in the dark. "Abra?, Doc? What is it?" My mind was racing, my heart thumping out of my chest.

"Ok, Alyson" the doctor called, falsely cheerful "Baby's getting a bit stressed now, we need to get baby out as soon as we can" she came up to Alyson's head, strappin' a blood pressure cuff on her arm.  
"How are you feeling?" But Alyson's eyes were glazed, and she didn't respond. I shared a look with Abra, and it felt like this was it, what we had been dreading.

"Ok Alyson" the doctor was saying, releasing the cuff so it deflated, "your BP is a little low and so is baby's."

"This is it" Alyson said all of a sudden. She looked over at the doctor, her eyes rollin' round before they focussed.

"Don't" I said "baby girl don't give up" she reached out to me n I took her hand, so cold, n she rolled her head around to look at me, her eyes searchin' for me.

"It's getting dark, daddy."

* * *

 

I suppressed a sob. The heartbreak on Daryl's face was a torment like I'd never felt in my life. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He needed strength, with Moira sobbing, Denise busy being a doctor, and Alyson losing her grip on life, it was only me available to give him that strength.

I opened my eyes and shook my head a little as though to clear it.

"I want you too take the baby"  
Alyson said softly, barely a whisper. She took a shuddering breath and then began to cough. Dr Cloyd had busied herself with the apparatus around us but she stopped as the hacking cough tore through Alyson, shaking her whole body. When she stopped I noticed the blood on the sheets, little tiny droplets.

I scrubbed at my eyes as if that might stop the tears that threatened.

Even when we weren't being attacked by the undead, life was so bastard cruel.

"It's so dark" she said again, her eyes moving from Daryl and around the room instead.

Doctor Cloyd took my arm and I turned to her. Her eyes were wet but she was firm in her actions for the first time ever. I was beginning to warm to her ridiculously.

"That baby" she whispered close to my ear "needs to come out" I nodded.

Not that I could do anything.

 

* * *

I watched, uselessly, as Alyson slowly faded in front of me. In seconds her skin seemed to turn more sallow n grey. She groped out for Moira, took her hand n kissed it. 

"I love you" she said with some difficulty. she reached again for my hand. I gave it to her, n resisted the urge to recoil at the cold clamminess of it.

"Daddy" she whispered at length "I love you, and I don't blame you, and if you so much as think you're at all guilty in any of this I'm gonna come back and haunt your ass" she turned her head looked for the doctor "Doc?" Her voice was getting quieter, more strained, The doctor came close. "I'm ready now. Get this baby out alive for me." She put her head back on the pillow, and closed her eyes.

My heart almost stopped at the sight of it, n I heard the sob that came outta my mouth and I din't care. My feet and my heart felt fulla lead, and there was nothin' I could do.

The doctor was talkin', tellin' Alyson it was gonna hurt, but not for long. There was a moment of absolute quiet before she cut my little girl in two with a scalpel, and Alyson sat bolt upright in the bed, and screamed a healthy scream.

Moira stood and stared at Alyson for a while, n I knew she was makin' good on her promise. Alyson din't wanna turn, n Moira weren't gonna let her. I just stood in an empty silence as the girls worked around us. Alyson's hand had gone limp in mine when she fell back on the bed, but I held on. I couldn't believe this was it, was this it? There was no ceremony, no sudden fit. Nothin'.  
Just, nothin'

* * *

 

Alyson was gone. Now we had to work so fast to get the baby out before she came back.

Denise had split open the abdomen in a straight line, and blood had spilled out like a river. Now she was elbow deep inside.

"I've got the baby" she said. There appeared to be a lot of tugging and pulling going on, and as the baby came out I grimaced as Alyson's body split open more, more blood on the sheets, more gore for someone to clean up before Daryl got too close a look.

"A boy" she cried, taking the scissors off me and cutting the cord. She pegged it off with a literal clothes peg and handed me the baby.  "Congratulations. I need you to turn him over and pat his back" she said, before marching across the room to collect something to clear his nostrils.

All this time, no one else in the room said a word, and when the baby finally roared a loud and healthy cry, Daryl stormed out.

I watched him go, baby in my arms. Denise excused herself and went on her way too, and I was left with Moira and Alyson.  
"I want a moment alone with her" Moira said without looking at me "it was always just me and her, and it should be now"  So I left the room.

I took the stairs in a bit of a daze, and it didn't click at first that the front door was wide open, and I could hear Glenn yelling after Daryl. Maggie came to me, eyes red and wet, to see the baby, and I gladly shared his beautiful little face with her. I knew what she had done for Rick's wife. I knew that she had every idea of how I felt.

"Charlie" I said, my voice not sounding like my own. "She said Charlie would suit a girl or a boy" I began to shake and sob and Maggie took the baby from me as I sank to sit on the couch. I barely knew Alyson, I cried for the baby, I cried for Daryl.

However sad that day was, though. I had no idea of what was to come.


	10. Chapter 10

Denise came back later that morning, and met Charlie for a check up. He was in amazing health and was doing well despite the stress he'd been under being born.  
He was a small, wriggly, healthy baby with big strong lungs.

I found Moira hanging from the ceiling in the bedroom two days later.  
She'd done her duty, and apparently that was all the world needed of her.  
I ran to her, dropping the clean clothes I'd come to put away, but I was too late. Her purple and puffy face should have told me that. I lifted her by the legs and screamed for help. Michonne came and finalised her human death.  
Daryl was not around to help.

We waited as long as we could but as the days got hotter and longer we had to bury the girls. Doctor Cloyd wanted to do a post Mortem on Alyson, not that she knew much about her illness, she wanted to learn for our future, but without Daryl around to make the decision I said no.

Instead of Celebrating Charlie, another mouth to feed in a world running low on supplies, we mourned the girls we barely knew.  
I helped dig Alyson's grave, taking Daryl's place as Carol watched the children.

I tried to raise Charlie as best I could. I had no real job in this place other than to keep things moving at the house. I became baby sitter, and watched most of the kids as Alexandrians went about the daily routine.  
I wouldn't have been much help with anything else, because as the days drew on, I withdrew into myself.

* * *

I walked.

I heard Glenn calling me, but I din't stop, I couldn't stop. I opened the gate, assumed he would shut it behind me, and just walked.  
I din't know where I was goin', n I din't know why.  
All that went round in my head was how mean the world was, how much of a cruel and heartless bastard it had turned into. Ya couldn't even die with dignity no more.

I could see then the mentality of places like terminus, why the gov'nor went mad, why Rick lost his shit. Not that I thought that was the way to go, that was not facing ya responsibilities, that was givin' in.  
I weren't givin' in. I weren't givin' up. I just needed to be away from it for a while. I din't want sad eyes and faces lookin' at me and feelin' bad for me.

It was while I walked, aimlessly, one mornin', that I realised I was doin exactly that, shirkin' my responsibilities  
I turned back toward home. I din't get that far. I din't get back home for a long time.

* * *

 After a while, people started talking about Daryl in the past tense. A while after that they stopped talking about him at all. 

I was the only one who seemed to want to keep his memory alive.

I began to keep a diary, but each entry started 'Dear Daryl' and instead of the date, just a number sat in the corner of the page. The number of days he had been gone.

_Day 182_

_Dear Daryl._

_You have been gone for 6 months._  
_Charlie is laughing and chortling and babbling now. He has rolled over and seems like he wants to crawl._

_Oh god how did you do this? How did you carry on like nothing happened and you never had a daughter for years? It's been 6 months and all I want to do is talk about you, to keep your memory alive._

_I'd know you, if I saw you. But it's getting hard to picture your face._  
_It doesn't feel like you died. I think I would know. I like to imagine I'd wake with a start late one night and I'd know, that that was it._

_..._

_I wish you had died. It would be easier to mourn you and move on._  
_It would be easier if you were dead._

_..._

_I don't wish you'd died. But what is the alternative? You forgot me? Us? That you didn't WANT to come home?_  
_Or maybe it was easier, after some time, to just not come home and face the inevitable questions._

_It is all about the what ifs, you were right. And the what ifs are destroying me._

_Come home! Come home and I promise not to ask any questions._  
_I don't think I want the answers, anyway._


End file.
